Nicholas Sparks, Nora Roberts, and rom-com movies may have made you swoon, but they also set you up for disappointment. Soulmates don’t exist. But deep, steadfast, burning love is achievable.
If Soulmates Existed, You Could Never Stop Looking
For the sake of discussion, let’s say that soulmates do exist. Out there, somewhere, is a man so perfect for you that when you find him, you’ll have a romantic movie type love. You’ll get butterflies until the end of time. He’ll flirt with you perfectly. He’ll always hold the door and lend you his jacket. You’ll have a storybook bond.
Now imagine that you think you found him! You married him. You had your dream wedding and a stunning honeymoon. You’re getting settled in your new home together. Maybe a baby comes along.
You’re happy most of the time, but you noticed he doesn’t always get the door for you. The two of you haven’t been on a date night recently. He’s often too tired to rub your back like he used to. And it’s been nearly a year since you stayed up until 2 AM looking at the stars, talking. Sometimes he’s lazy. And he always makes a mess.
If soulmates exist, you may start to wonder if maybe you married the wrong person. You start to wonder if your real soulmate is still out there. As you go about your day, your mind starts to consider your clever co-worker or the bartender at girls’ night. This is a dangerous place for your mind to go. But if you believe that there is only ONE person out there for you, it’s reasonable to wonder if you really got it right on the first go around.
You’re Going to Marry a Sinner
The reality is that you are going to marry a sinner. Everyone on this earth is flawed. The very simple logic that follows is that the man you marry isn’t going to be perfect. That means he’s going to hurt you. He’ll disappoint you. He’ll hurt your feelings. Maybe he’ll even lie to you.
If you go into marriage thinking you married your soulmate, you will find his less than perfect behavior a real challenge. In and of itself, sinfulness is challenging. But if your expectation is that he’s going to make mistakes, you can be better equipped to forgive. If your expectation is that he is the ONE perfect man for you, these mistakes become devastating.
When you think of how girlfriends talk to each other, men who make mistakes like that are roasted to no end at girls’ wine night. Now if the man in question is just a boyfriend, the woman has the ability to leave at the drop of the hat. But if he’s a husband, the woman has made a commitment to him. She vowed to stick with him, for better or for worse.
Traditional Vows Have It All
The trend of the past several years has been to write your own vows. I for one, think traditional wedding vows are all you need to pledge to each other. In fact, in many ways, traditional vows are more romantic than personal vows. When I say traditional vows, I mean something along the lines of:
“I take you to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy will; and I pledge to you my faithfulness.”
I once attended a wedding where the bride and groom wrote their own vows. They both talked about how much they loved each other and how they made each other feel. But they didn’t actually vow anything to each other. No promises were made.
When you get married with traditional vows, you are declaring that this person may not be your soulmate and things will get tough, but you will choose to stay with your spouse. That brings such peace to both the bride and groom. Both know that they make mistakes. Both know that they may not always be as good-looking or healthy or successful as they are on their wedding day. But because of the vows they made, they can rest in the fact that their spouse won’t leave when things inevitably change. What peace!
Marriage is Part Business Deal
Time to get really unromantic for a couple paragraphs. There are a few things you should look for when selecting a husband, and none of them have anything to do with romance. I’m talking finances, politics, and culture.
In a world that celebrates globalism, seeking out a mate that aligns with your core traits may be seen as narrow minded. We’re told to celebrate other cultures. We are supposed to accept everyone just as they are. Disagreeing politically is often described as being bigoted. There’s a time and place to learn about and appreciate our differences. Marriage is not one of them.
Your spouse should be similar to you in financial practices, political views, and culturally in the way your day-to-day life unfolds (including religion). It may be exciting to date someone totally different than you but remember that in marriage the two of you will become one. And if you believe that the wife should submit to the husband, you have to marry someone you can submit too.
Submission as a wife is a topic for another blog post, so back to the business deal. You’re building a life together. And much like building a business, building a life requires a lot of work and sacrifice. Your business partner needs to have the same goals. And when they set out to achieve those goals, their “business practices” should align with your own.
The only candidates who should get in for an interview with you are those whose resumes shine. Are their finances in order? Do they hold the same religious beliefs? Are you similar in political and cultural ideas?
You can go into marriage with a whimsical, free-spirited kind of romance, but it may make the journey much harder, if not destined for failure.
The Fun Comes After the Foundation is Laid
Now, I’m not saying you should settle for a cold, professional kind of love. All I’m saying is you should get those critical characteristics straight first. Those topics – politics, finance, etc. aren’t all that romantic to talk about. But finding someone who aligns with you in that way frees you to be whimsical and spontaneous and romantic.
And it’s important to be romantic! Romance grows where it’s sown. So, surprise your spouse with their favorite candy bar. Write a cheesy note. Plan a picnic. Dance in the kitchen. Those “soulmate” moments are wonderful and still make me melt.
You will love your husband because you vowed to do so. Not because you are in love with him. And your husband will love you because he promised he would. For better, for worse, till death do you part. The search stopped on your wedding day. Each day make the decision to love your spouse.
Wanna read a poem I wrote about my husband? Click here.
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