“I’m not going to marry you.”
Okay, let me set the scene for you. I’m a junior in college. It’s April. For the past three years I got great grades, was involved on campus, and volunteered in the community. I wanted to be the BEST law school candidate I could be. I attended study groups for the LSAT and paid to take it in June. The law school application process was about to begin, and I could get on with what I really wanted to do: be a knock-out patent attorney. The table was empty. With fork and knife in hand, I waited for my delish future to be set before me.
And then my fiancé surprised me with an ultimatum. He said he wouldn’t marry me if I went to law school.
Now, saying I was mad is an understatement. I didn’t speak to him for a week. How dare he? Who did he think he was? Did he not know what he was asking of me?
He proposed in March. He knew I was a pre-law student. What was he thinking?
By the grace of God, I remembered.
You may be infuriated to know that I ended up marrying him.
That was about 7 years ago, but I’ve just recently been unpacking it. I’ve never told anyone this. All my family think I came to this decision on my own. But left to my own devices I would have certainly gone to law school. And I would have been a good lawyer. But I would not have the life I do now. I would not have the life that 18-year-old me really wanted. In just a couple years the influences of college life made me forget what I wanted most.
What I heard vs. what He said
When my fiancé said, “If you go to law school, I’m not going to marry you.” What I heard in the moment was “I don’t want you to follow your dreams.” And “What I want is more important.”
Now what I hear so clearly is, “I want to take care of you. Your role as a mother is more important and impactful than anything you’d do in law. I want you to mother our children, not just bear them.” And “I need you present to nurture our home and family.”
When we started dating, I was a young woman who really wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. That’s the woman my fiancé fell in love with. I didn’t even know what a patent attorney was until a couple of semesters into college. When I was a senior in high school, I chose to major in Neuroscience because it sounded interesting, but I didn’t really know what I was going to do with it. I had vague ideas of doing neuropsychological research without even knowing what that was.
I remember writing in my journal just before high school graduation, “I’m so sick of people asking me what I’m going to do with my life. Can I just tell them I just want to be a stay-at-home mom?” And then in college:
Journal Excerpt from Spring of Freshman Year of College
I really wish I didn’t have to be in college. Can I just be a wife and mother? I wish someone who could support myself and children would marry me. Someone who understands the importance of a mother. A man who desires children and a steadfast wife. Someone who is willing to work hard for his family.
Somehow, from years 18 – 21, a cloud came into my brain and blocked that dream. Somehow, I was convinced that climbing exceptionally high on the career ladder was what I wanted. No one was point-blank saying that being a stay-at-home mom was a waste of time, but it wasn’t talked about at all. It was as if it wasn’t even worth considering. Unconsciously, I began to make a path for myself that didn’t leave room for raising babies. My brain came up with a plan B for me. Law school.
Recently, I came across that journal entry. It is hard to wrap my brain around the fact that I wrote that in 2015 and in 2017 I was angry at my fiancé for trying to give me exactly what I wanted.
He reminded me of who I was. It was like he shook me awake from a dream. And that cloud would not have lifted had he not taken such a dramatic measure.
All I wanted
I see so clearly now what a gift he has given me. He provided me with everything I wanted. He wasn’t saying, “Do what I tell you.” My future husband was saying what I think a lot of women really want to hear, “Let me take care of you.”
What really frightens me is that if had I told him, “See ya later!” and continued with my plan B, I am not sure I would have been able to stay home with my son at age 28. The fact that it has taken me about 8 years to appreciate that makes me wonder about other women on the fast track to full time, lifelong careers.
Chances are, you don’t have someone presenting you with an ultimatum. I share this story for those who also forget what it was they want most. Or if you didn’t forget, perhaps you’ll take this as encouragement to search for a man who values your role as a mother.
Silly Classes
What I’m still thinking about is how was I led astray in that short time?
I had to take a few silly classes during my freshman year. One was a class designed to introduce you to college life – it required us to practice reading scientific literature, volunteer in the community, etc. We also created our professional portfolio. In the “About me” section of my portfolio, I discussed things like my family, the community that I grew up in, and my favorite things to do in said community.
I will never forget this – I didn’t get full points on that assignment. My professor’s critique was that I was talking about who I used to be, not who I was now. She said I needed to move on from where I came from and immerse myself in my new life. She said thinking of myself as Rachel from a small town would prevent me from succeeding.
I’m embarrassed to say that I believed her. But my belief in her wasn’t in a “this professor’s so smart, she’s totally right” kind of way. I believed her slowly. As I got lonely and felt isolated on campus, I began to huddle together with strangers. I listened to their worldviews and opinions and melted around the edges to fit in just a little better.
It’s in hindsight that I know this. Now, I clearly see how foolish her comments were. She had no idea of the amazing community I had back home. No one on that campus cared for my well-being as much as my parents, my aunts, my cousins, or the girls from elementary school did. We don’t all need a new community.
Cling to your core
And I see it now, in some ways college is designed to break you from your family. For some of you out there, that may be a good thing. But if you have a community at home that loves you and shares your same values, let me be the one to tell you to cling to them. The safety, guidance, and comfort they provide is worth so much more than what some of your professors think (and maybe more than you realize now).
What do you think?
Now, I want your opinion on this. I kinda think that women have more ability to shape society then men do. From my experience, we string families together into groups, we tend to keep the peace, we offer shoulders to cry on. And because of that, I think women are more likely to fall to social pressures. We know we need community, so if we find ourselves the odd ones out on an opinion or value, we are more likely to waver in order to fit in. I’ll write more on it later, but for now, I’d love your perspectives on that – do women shape society more than men?
Leave a Reply